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December 2014



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Dec. 18th, 2014

(no subject)

i got into office at 7.45am today. i am tired. and i have no time for your nonsense anymore. quit playing games with my heart.

i will end it just around the new year period i guess. i will be sad. but i really really cant do this shit anymore.

Dec. 17th, 2014

(no subject)

i have rules in my life. some rules are meant to protect me. this one in particular. but I don't seem to want to protect myself.

Dec. 16th, 2014

(no subject)

i lied. i didn't feel like crying.

I cried. I cried so many times at so many videos at so many songs. alone in the dark in the office. notwithstanding that I was supposed to do work. I cried and cried and cried.

in my tears I found the truth I think.

in my tears I forgot you.

in my tears I realize that the songs spoke the truth.

in my tears I learnt that sometimes, all of what I felt was just so fleeting.

in my tears I discovered the beauty of the night again.

and I think i'll stop wasting my time on you any longer. especially if all you treat me is like a piece of shit.

Dec. 8th, 2014

(no subject)

what in the right mind possessed me to cite nietzsche to her? given that i dont even cite nietzsche anymore to myself in the dark recesses of my mind?

it is wierd. and somewhat unbecoming.

and it also means that a part of me is becoming. affected.

not good.

Dec. 4th, 2014

(no subject)

i feel like a puppet.

or mashed potatoes for that matter

Dec. 3rd, 2014

(no subject)

mutatis mutandis

Dec. 2nd, 2014

(no subject)

i've not been sleeping well again. but there is good news.

i think, (for the first time in my life) - i'm getting sick and tired of it all. i recognize all the signs. all the same few signs. i even recognize the actions. the little things. the things people think make them special. but its all kind of laid bare before me. doesnt stop me from being affected. or falling. or stumbling. or tripping.

fuck la.

im going to sleep well tonight. even if i have to drug myself in the process.

i cant afford to dip in work productivity because of this.

Nov. 24th, 2014

(no subject)

it only takes a minute of your precious time
turn around
and i'll be two steps behind.

(no subject)

sitting here in the dark poring through old blog entries. and its 3.30am. I have an examination of judgment debtor in the State Courts at 930am. wtf am I doing with my life.

I see strands of my old self coming through. the old self who was a little too foolish for his own good. too easily strung along. too easily led on a dance. and its ironic because in these few years, I've broken a few hearts I think (and I'm sorry) but I think it's mine that's about to be broken this time.

mark my words. my predictions have always been true. when it comes to stuff like this. not gonna stop me from getting strung along though. hook line and sinker. all the signs are clearly there. the exact same signs. 4 years ago, I was too foolish to see the signs, but I see them now. and still I'm just blindly walking to my execution.

I need to immerse myself in work.

like seriously.

work does save me a little.

but not enough.

and the sad thing is, I've been clearly slipping in my work in the past few weeks. its noticeable because (I'd like to think that) I've been delivering high standards of work previously. such that a dip in standards is so noticeable.

big problem.

Nov. 21st, 2014

(no subject)

i had a chat last night that was pretty interesting. it wasnt so much about me. in fact, i never did give that much away about it.

but it's like a scab yeah. its not really the most opportune time, but im reminded...of the memory of sadness. the moments where i had felt really really low. its not something i want to go through again.

but that said. it was interesting. you were interesting. it was hard to be aloof. despite me usually finding very easy to be aloof.

somehow listening to you reminded me of the old songs. the ones that made me cry. i've been doing jackshit at work except listening to the old songs.

this song especially.

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